Monday, July 28, 2008

The Father of the Bride

I watched the movie "Father of the Bride," the "old" version with Elizabeth Taylor, on Saturday. It was sweet and funny, but I felt a lot of things about it were misplaced. Weddings aren't supposed to tear families apart; they're supposed to bring two families together into one. As cheesy as the movie was, it filled me with a lot of questions. Isn't it selfish to get married when you know it's going to cause your parents pain? I can't even begin to count all the times that my parents sacrificed their happiness so that I could be happy. When I look back those incidents, I'm so ashamed.

Like this one time at IKEA. I saw a green piggy bank that I really wanted. No, said my dad, firmly and kindly. I didn't take no for an answer. I threw a fit. I yelled and cried, telling my dad he didn't love me, accusing him of not caring about me, telling him I hated him. (I didn't 'get' the weight of the word "hate" until much later, and I regularly flung it at the people who cherished and loved me when I lost my temper). It went on for a while. I got my green piggy bank.

And I'm so ashamed to look at that stupid piggy-bank now. I don't even use it. It's an innocent toy that has been tainted with hatred and anger, and I regret having it. Can you imagine having an entire marriage tainted with those same kind of feelings?

Most people probably wouldn't be too hard on me over the IKEA thing -- I was just a small kid, after all. I'm much older now, and this is far behind me. Yeah, that's true. So why do people revert back to kicking, screaming, crying kids when they're about to do the most 'adult' thing of their lives -- get married? Years later, when they look back at what should have been the most beautiful day of their lives, they'll feel nothing but disgust and shame.

Anyways, there's my two cents. I see marriage as a journey of growth... a reaching of the potential God intended you to have, with the help of someone else. Not by using your spouse to become better, but rather, sharing your journey with them to help them grow as well. Marriage is supposed to make you better with your partner, not at their expense. So why should this journey come at the expense of your family; those who raised you? Isn't it natural that your loyalty should be, first and foremost, to them?

I like movies that make me think. With the cheesy, happy endings, and all. :)

Love,
Oksy

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Still alive

No, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth -- I'm still alive and kicking! :) Just not blogging; but that's about to change. I've always been very much intrigued by the idea of blogging, but every blog I've started has failed, and in every new blog introduction I put together, I wrote exactly that same sentence: "Every blog I've started has failed." So far, my blogging record has two deleted general-interest blogs, one abandoned general-interest blog, and two abandoned thematic blogs. And then there's this one.

I won't try to fill you in on everything that's happened while I've been away. I just want to set up a firm resolution to blog as often as I can throughout the summer and beyond. I started up a journal (that, too, has been abandoned for a little under a week, but I'll open it up again sometime soon, I'm sure) and I saw just how therapeutic this could be. I didn't tie myself down to spelling, grammar, or any specific style of writing; I just allowed my words run straight from my brain to my computer screen without filtering them much. I didn't mull over them in my mind until I had nothing left to say. I just wrote. And it was nice.

So this blog isn't going to be some lovely, organized, poetic masterpiece; more likely, it's going to be a mess. But I still hope you enjoy it.

I'm not going to go on to anything of real substance in this post... I just want to re-introduce myself to the blogging world, and, hopefully, this will be the first of many "letters to the world" by which you'll get to know me. :)

I will, however, leave you with a picture I took recently.

I don't know what it is about this one, but I like it. There's a spontenaiety about it; like a glimpse you catch when you're turning your head to look at something else. Although it's a technical, compositional, and Photoshop failure (I've used the word failure a lot in this post, haven't I?), it still gives me hope that, someday, I'll learn to take portrait shots.

Last year, I took Yearbook at my high school. With ever-so-slight smugness, I thought, This will be a breeze for me; I know photography in and out. Big mistake. taking photographs of people was more different than anything I'd ever done before. Being able to catch that special moment -- the turn of a head, the twinkle in an eye, the crooked beginnings of a smile -- turned out to be close-to-impossible for me. My action photos were badly-timed; my posed shots were flat and lifeless. When I hadn't mastered the art by the end of the semester, I decided to crawl back into my flower-and-landscape shell and give up on portraiture altogether. And I've always longed to go back.

What does this have to do with the above photograph? Well, that's what I think all my portraits have been missing. That "in-the-moment" freedom; those little details like the shadow and lighting that naturally fall into place, instead of me painstakingly composing them into their respective corners. I hope I can find some willing models so I can translate that feeling to portrait shots. 'Till then...

Oksy

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Yeah!!

Too busy to post much, but please visit Nate and Tricia at their blog "Confessions of a CF Husband," and lift Tricia up in prayer. She's getting a double-lung transplant tonight -- praise God! For her, it's a window into a new and better life. Please go over there and share this experience with them.

http://cfhusband.blogspot.com/

Oksana

Monday, March 10, 2008

release

If the eyes are the windows to the soul, awaken. Open your eyes, lift them to the truth, let the truth set you free.

I'm clinging to the Lord's love today... tough times, but I know they'll pass.

Love, Oksana

Friday, February 29, 2008

Slowing Down

.

I am so grateful for my God, who tells us to be still.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Once

.
.
"I wish I didn't have to make
all those mistakes and be wise

Please try to be patient
and know that I'm still learning

I'm sorry that you have to see
the strength inside me burning..."

- from "The Hill" by Marketa Irglova

I was so thrilled when Glen and Marketa won Best Song at the Oscars... their performance and speeches were the two most genuine and beautiful moments of the show. The whole soundtrack to "Once" is brilliant, actually. The raw emotion and soul, as rough and imperfect as it is, leaves no room for pretense at all. That's why so many people have loved this CD and movie. It captures the essence of a human experience shared by almost everyone, and when you see or hear it, it cuts straight to your heart and you relate deeply to it. I actually haven't seen the movie yet, but I plan to someday. At this point, I don't feel the need to... I want to take in the story that the music tells, before putting visuals to it. And there's still so much of it to take in! Deep stuff. :)

By the way, speaking of deep, I just got through an awful cold, thank God. One night, it was pretty bad, and my throat was so irritated that every breath I took scratched like sandpaper at it. Obviously, I couldn't exactly sleep, or do much else for that matter. Which got me thinking (this is where it gets "deep") ... when my breathing, which keeps me alive, is damaged in even the slightest way, I can't function to my capacity, even to half of my capacity. I can barely function at all!

God spoke to me in that still small voice. And, being sick, I let my guard down and didn't shut it out. Here's what I learned and want to share.

If my relationship with God -- the thing that keeps my spirit alive -- is damaged, I can't reach my potential. I can't live the abundant life Jesus wanted me to live. And, considering that my relationship with God is damaged (on my part) about 99.9% of the time, I'm not living the abundant life, am I? On the average day, I'm living the semi-abundant life, and I've gotten used to that. I've become accustomed to not reaching the capacity God gave me. God paid with his own life to give me that abundant life -- and I don't even bother to try living it?

That night, I really, really, really wanted to breathe. I also wanted to get right with God.

Oh, and he healed me the next day.

Love, Oksana

Sunday, February 24, 2008

BEFORE I SEE PEACE AGAIN

… tear your curtains down
for sunlight is like gold.
and you better be you
and do what you can do
when you're walking on moon beams
staring out to sea…

- "Gold" by Interference

"I am very fond of sunsets. Come, let us go look at a sunset now."

"But we must wait," I said.

"Wait? For what?"

"For the sunset. We must wait until it is time."

At first you seemed to be very much surprised. And then you laughed to yourself. You said to me: "I am always thinking that I am at home!"

Just so. Everybody knows that when it is noon in the United States the sun is setting over France.

If you could fly to France in one minute, you could go straight into the sunset, right from noon. Unfortunately, France is too far away for that. But on your tiny planet, my little prince, all you need do is move your chair a few steps. You can see the day end and the twilight falling whenever you like . . .

"One day," you said to me, "I saw the sunset forty-four times!"

And a little later you added: "You know--one loves the sunset, when one is so sad . . ."

- from The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exupery

Yeah, sometimes I feel like the Little Prince, and I think I have to wait a long time before I see peace again ... then God reminds me that I only need to move forward a little - just a step at a time - to see the light once more. So I'll keep walking, keep walking, and God will keep the peace of twilight on this horizon...

Love, Oksana

scraps of life... photos, poems, and images of this world through my eyes.