.
_____I love capturing God's sense of humour. :)
Do you see the puppy shape in that cloud? Click on it to see larger!
Love, Oksana
Monday, August 18, 2008
With a 'Woof' and a Wink, or, why I love photography
Love, Oksana
Saturday, August 16, 2008
False Identity
I'll return to my Matthew Perryman Jones-inspired series soon (he has a new CD coming out this week, btw), but a something has been heavy on my mind this weekend, and I'll share it with you before returning to my regular posting...
I discovered the horrible reality of a disease called Cystic Fibrosis several months ago, when I found Confessions of a CF Husband. Before I continue, let me urge you to visit that blog and dwelve deep into the archives... you will find so much strength, inspiration, and faith there. God has used this family in incredible ways, and it's a story that deserves to be heard.
After I lurked around on the above site for a while, I began to visit the comments section. I found several other people with CF, and visited their blogs. Somehow, through one of their blogrolls, I happened to come across Gina, a young woman with end-stage CF -- constantly on the ventilator, fighting to breathe, unable to eat, barely staying alive. I read each and every post on the blog, added it to my bookmarks, and began to pray for for the young woman nicknamed "Pepe."
It's amazing how quickly I found a love in my heart towards Pepe. Perhaps not real love, just yet... it's hard to really love someone when you know so little about them; as the blog mainly chronicled Pepe's technical, health-related details, rather than her life and personality. It wasn't love, but it was a connection. I thought about Pepe in my spare times. I began to carry her burdens. And I'm not bragging about this... I was only doing what we are all supposed to do. But, yesterday, that bag of burdens suddenly burst, and hundreds of thousands of people found out that it had been completely empty all this time. Gina exists. She is healthy. The "Pepe" we'd all come to know is simply a fictional character.
The blog "Friends of Pepe" had been kept by a man named Paul, who is a real CF sufferer and transplant survivor. He got email and phone updates from Pepe and her "friend," sharing them for the world to pray about. He wrote the following today:
Today, my trust was breached in a way I can hardly convey. The consequence is that yours was violated as well. Pepe confessed to me after much prodding that she has been propagating a series of lies, that no transplant ever occurred, that no transplant was even in question, that Blake does not exist, and that Pepe has in fact been at home most of this year rather than in ICU as I described in FOP [the blog]. This makes a moron of me, of course, and a farce of FOP, which 275,000 visitors took at face value for many months. It mocks the hardship I have personally faced, having actually been at 12 percent [lung function], as well as the battles many of you wage on a daily basis. It mocks the readers who wept literal tears over her drama, who worried, and who placed their full trust in what was, admittedly, a compelling story. ... Please know that no one has shed more tears over Pepe's fictional saga or suffered more from this betrayal than I have. As you know, I spent this year in a dual role: trying to help Pepe make it to "transplant," staying up till all hours with her, while simultaneously trying to recover from my own.
I cannot even begin to imagine how much this hurts people who have CF. It's hurt me, even though I've never felt any of Pepe's suffering first-hand. It hurts me, even though I've never chatted with Pepe, sent her gifts, or stayed up all night praying for her. Other people have experienced all of these things, and their pain is unfathomable to me. To me, it's like the loss of an acquaintance; to them, it's like the loss of a sister. This incident has occupied a lot my time for the past few days. Here are some thoughts currently running through my mind:
- I am so grateful that people are so willing to trust others online. I hope that this test of our trust will only make it stronger.
- I am so grateful that the internet allows people with CF to find support and mutual understanding, as well as giving people like me an opportunity to look into a different way of life.
- I don't think we should regret praying for Gina. I have no doubt that there are people going through the same sort of nightmare.... people who perhaps don't have access to the Internet, or a friend like Paul to make their stories public. I don't think our God had any problem redirecting those sincere prayers to people who really need them.
- I feel sorry for Gina. I hope she admits her problem, gets help, realizes how blessed she is not to be sick, and finds someone who can love her as the healthy person she is.
- Lastly, being on the recieving end of a false and exaggerated story has really shown me the importance of honesty. I'm definitely the sort of person who tends to exaggerate things to get a point across or get a reaction. Not, obviously, from 100,000 people, but that's irrelevant. I'm going to think more about my words, because there's no such thing as a "white lie." They all hurt.
Love, Oksana
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Track 3
Put your defense down
open up your heart and lay
all of it out
I know how hard it sounds
but loneliness will have its way
in feeding your doubts
waiting on the light
waiting on the light to change
I’m chasing out the lies
chasing out the lies
that keep you caged
I’m waiting, waiting on the light to change
No matter what’s inside
There is nothing you can say
to cause me to hide
You know I’m broken too
I’ve fallen far, I lost my faith
been found and made new...
Lyrics from Matthew Perryman's song "Waiting On the Light to Change."
"...loneliness will have its way in feeding your doubts..."
That is so very true. With God, you're never, ever alone, yet his word stresses the importance of fellowship with other people. God is love, and we are priveledged to be entrusted with the task of reflecting his love into the lives of others. I think the best way one can 'prove' his existance to somebody is to love them.
I wish I were more loving to the people closest to me... my family, for instance. It happens that many of them don't share most of my beliefs, and I keep forgetting how I should be treating them. Some things, like fellowship and marriage, are reserved for people who are like-minded. But love is for all. I need to remember that... and I'm so grateful for the humbling effects of Christ's example of love, which reminds me daily how I should be.
"...I'm chasing out the lies that keep you caged, and waiting on the light to change..."
I love that part of the chorus. I often fall into the trap of trying to deal with the big situation, getting overwhelmed, and giving up; when I could just stick to my part, giving everything I've got, and let God change the light. Of course, constantly "chasing out the lies" isn't glamorous or comfortable work, so this lesson is easy to forget.
Track 4 coming later...
Love, Oksana
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Track 2
This post inspired by excerpts of the lyrics from "Breaking Out the Windows," by Matthew Perryman Jones.
"You got soul under your skin
What happens when you don’t know who to let in
Will we ever understand?
We’re just breaking out the windows..."
It's interesting... Matthew Perryman speaks of having our soul hidden behind our "skin," our physical selves. But shouldn't it be the other way around? Aren't the attributes of our soul more obvious than our physical attributes? It isn't the crown that makes someone a king; it isn't the hug that makes someone a friend; it isn't the kiss that makes someone in love. When someone comes into the room, it isn't from their clothing or their posture that you can tell whether or not they are loving or courageous.
I'll admit I don't always look past people's appearance when I meet them... but there are some people who just naturally cause my attention to shift from their outward attributes to their inward attributes. Mother Teresa is one example... her message was so compelling, and she gave of it so generously, that you couldn't care less if she had wrinkles or not. You can't necessarily control how other people percieve you, but you can still influence it. If you notice that other people focus more on your appearance than your soul, that might mean that you're focusing too much on it yourself. Have you ever been talking to someone, they looked away, and you followed their line of sight to see what they were looking at? If your attention is on how you look, you will command other peoples' attention to the same area.
I'm not saying you shouldn't care about how you look... just try wearing your soul over your skin, not hiding it underneath. Dressing 'hip,' acting 'cool,' and getting Botox won't make people more receptive to your message.
Speaking of skin and soul, did you guys hear of the scandal over the Chinese Olympic opening ceremony? The little 10-year-old girl who sang 'Ode to the Motherland' was actually lip-synching to a recorded song. No, that's not too bad -- what kind of ten-year-old would have the courage to get up there and sing live, after all? The problem is, the track had actually been sung by 7-year-old Yang Peiyi (on the right), who was not allowed to perform after officials decided she wasn't pretty enough.
I'm really at a loss for words. The excuse given was that Yang had "crooked teeth" and could not do justice to the "image of the country." How can you tell a child something like that? How can you make a little girl believe that she is not good enough to share her skills and talents with the world just because she doesn't look a certain way? (And, personally, I think Yang looks positively sweet. :) She has a real innocence about her, and her genuine smile in the snapshot above brings me more joy than the manufactured smile which was somehow deemed "prettier"...). Sigh. Your thoughts?
Before I go, I just want to comment on another part of the lyrics in this song...
"How did we get so far?
Running to hide these scars?
Love’s not afraid of what it finds in the dark..."
Somebody once told me a nugget of truth, that has never failed to comfort me. I just want to share it with you. It's simple and it's a wonderful thing to remember...
God knows your past, your present, and your future, and he loves you anyway.
Track 3 coming later...
Love, Oksana
Monday, August 11, 2008
Track 1
Hey everyone...
I've had serious blogging-block for the past few days, so I've decided to try something different. I downloaded a really great album by Christian indie artist Matthew Perryman Jones at Noisetrade.com (a site where independent Christian musicians offer their music for free to fans). It's an album that has really inspired me and made me think, so I've decided to write a series of posts inspired by each of the tracks on the CD, "Throwing Punches in the Dark." We'll see how it goes. :)
Meghan's Song
Baby, sleep in peace tonight
Angels bend to watch the sight
And may your dreams be sweet tonight
Dance the sky in sweet delight
And know I love you
I always will
It’s my favorite story
I have to tell
And Baby, let’s go far away
See this world that God has made
And know our hearts are in his hand
This lovely one who counts the sands...
Wow... now that I've actually posted the song, I'm not sure what to write. I guess I'll just share a few of the things that it makes me think about and feel:
I remember for most of my life, all I had were nightmares. I don't know why. I never looked forward to sleep because I'd dream about all of the horrible stuff I'd seen on the news or heard about in school... I guess I was just a really sensitive kid. What I tried to forget about by day -- the wars, the violence, the slavery, the terrorism that was happening all over the world -- haunted me by night. It wasn't until I began to pray a little about the things in the world that bothered me, that the nightmares fell away almost instantly. I think that's what nightmares are, sometimes: reminders of the things that God wants us to deal with, so that we can sleep on this earth with a cleaner conscience.
I remember this one dream I had when I was about 3 or 4... for the longest time, I couldn't understand whether it was a dream or a real memory, but my parents tell me it couldn't have been real, since there was no such spot in Ukraine, where we lived at the time. I dreamt that my mom and I were walking through a marketplace, with elderly ladies selling their wares on either side of us. We kept on walking, and suddenly, the road ended in a rocky cliff. Beyond it was a brilliant crimson sunset. There was nothing below; only glowing sky... we were at the edge of the earth.
"...let's go far away / see this world that God has made..."
I've never travelled. I've never actually gone on vacation or journeyed long distances for reasons other than moving. I'd love to, but I know I'll probably never have a chance to visit all the places where I want to go... all the oceans, all the plains, all the mountains, all the sunsets that I want to see. Yet, I don't feel as if I'm missing much more than what seasoned tourists experience. I might not be able to see a sunset over the mountains, but God still gives me ways to experience it...
The photos above, which I took on different days, give me a glimpse of what the smouldering sun must look like over the icy heights of the Alps. Even if I never go there, I've still seen the same kind of beauty, and didn't have to look much farther than my own windowpane. Just like, sometimes, a caring hug or a warm word can give you a glimpse into what heaven is like. As Emily Dickinson would say, "I never saw a moor, I never saw the sea; yet I know how the heather looks, and what a wave must be."
Track 2 of my CD-inspired posts coming soon...
Love, Oksana
Monday, August 4, 2008
Pet Stores
This post is dedicated to my dad. I told him I'd give him a link to my blog if he read it and commented occasionally. He agreed (so, daddy, I'm hoping to find a comment here, sooner or later ;). Then I asked dad to give me a blog topic. After much deliberation and a visit to a pet store, he decided on ... "visits to pet stores." Go figure! Well, here goes...
Ever since I can remember, there was barely ever a shopping trip that went by without me dragging my parents into a pet store. The only pets I've ever had are the occasional spiders or ladybugs that wandered into our house every now and then, but absence really has made the heart grow fonder. I'm not obsessed by animals to the point that I value them as much as humans, but I just love the way they can bring people joy without even trying. Here are a few pet-related memories that still make me smile:
The last time I entered a pet store, there were these two funny little lizards that absolutely stole my heart. As I walked up to them, they seemed to be completely "out of it," staring off into space. However, as soon as I put my hand up to the glass, they sprang up and scrambled to catch up with my fingers. I moved my hand around for a while, the lizards following my every move, until I stopped in the middle of their aquarium. With absolute precision, they paused right in front of my hand; one lizard stepped up on top of the other to form a neat little stack, and they pressed up their noses to the glass where my fingers were. I thought that was the sweetest thing ever, and spent two minutes just laughing to myself. I think we could learn a thing or two from these lizards -- how to willingly step out of our everyday lives to meet and commune with God, how to follow him with trust and loyalty, how to use teamwork to make sure we hit the mark he wants us to live up to as precisely as we can.
That was one of two big lessons I learned at the pet store. The other one happened a while ago. I went to a mall where there was a huge cage, divided in two, with an open top. In the first section of the cage were guinea pigs; in the second, bunnies. This was the first time I had ever seen such a pet store display where I could actually reach in and pet the animals, so I jumped at this once-in-a-long-time opportunity and put my hand in to pet one of the guinea pigs. It completely freaked out and ran away from me. I don't know who was more scared -- it or I! I hadn't expected the guinea pig to be so untrusting towards someone who meant no harm. To soothe my hurt feelings, I cautiously reached into the bunnies' half of the cage, hoping for better luck. Almost immediately, several warm, soft, furry little creatures scurried towards me.
It was one of those great moments in life.
:P Really, though, I couldn't stop talking about that for weeks. It was one of my first real encounters with animals, after hundreds of slightly-disheartening visits to pet stores in which the furry lodgers had ignored my pleas for their attention. And my five minutes petting those little rabbits meant so much to me at that moment. It felt nice to just be wanted. That they finally gave back some of the love I'd been giving to animals all my life. That experience showed me a lot about loving God and other people. When I remember how bad it felt to be "snubbed" by the guinea pigs, I remind myself to be "bunny-like" in my trust towards others.
Not all per-store visits came with a moral. Some were just plain funny, like a golden retriever puppy who was sleeping so soundly, he didn't even feel his brother energetically devouring his right ear. It gave everyone a good laugh. :) Other visits were heartbreaking, like a baby chihuahua whose eyes looked so tragically sad that my mind whispered a little prayer before I could stop myself: Lord, please let him find a good home. Either way, pet store visits always give me something to look forward to, and later think/laugh about.
So, dad, there you go -- that's my little spiel on pet stores. Hope you enjoyed it!
And, to all other blog readers who have grown up around animals and wouldn't even blink if a lizard or bunny came running up to you, I know I probably sound like some deprived child; but one of my parents is allergic to animals, so that's why I've never had a pet and get so excited over little things like these!
Love, Oksana
PS. Here's a portrait of one of my past pets, a dancing ladybug! :)
commonplace
Went for a lovely nature photoshoot with my dad yesterday. We had meant to go to another spot -- a beautiful field that has remained unexplored territory for me and my camera -- but missed the bus by a minute, so we ended up going to the same place I'd been to many times before. I was upset at first, but after a little while, I found all kinds of new and interesting things to shoot. It was nice and peaceful, just me and my dad; nobody else. I guess that means that, if I hadn't gone outside, all of these things would have gone unnoticed.
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There were tons of these beetles on the pine trees ... this one in particular wasn't too fond of my camera, and ran off whenever I got close to him. At this point, the sun was gorgeous. It has just rained, and everything was glistening gold. As usually tends to happen, however, it turned cloudy after I took these two shots, and stayed that way for most of the photoshoot.
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I found a funny little fly sitting on top of a blown-away dandelion, doing something that looked like tai-chi. She was lifting up one "arm" and then the other, over and over and over again. Since it was very windy, most of my shots weren't super-clear, and I didn't get to photograph all of her "moves," but here's one of the shots I managed to get:
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I don't really like the next shot. I had intended to get the fence into the picture, but, now that I look at it again, I really wish it weren't there. It spoils the beautiful greenery and light on the other side. I feel compelled to post it, though, because I think it speaks of looking past the bad, and trying to see the beauty in life. Cliched, I know. :)
At the same spot, I found this little guy... he would not stop weaving in and out of the fence, but stopped long enough for me to get this shot:
And I took a few contemplative, reflective pictures that I love, because they sort of describe my life these past few months. I'll let you decipher them yourselves, but I'd be interested in knowing how they make you feel. Perhaps I'll tell you in a later post what they mean to me.
Love, Oksana
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