Showing posts with label matthew perryman jones. Show all posts

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Track 6

I'm probably not going to do a track-inspired post for Track 5 of the Matthew Perryman Jones CD... The song is called "All the King's Horses," and the only memory/thought it brings up is a situation involving two other people that I'm not going to post about on the world-wide-web... so here's track 6 (my favourite song from the album!)...

Lord, I feel the weight of a mountain

Pressing down inside my soul

I can see the pillars fallin’

There ain’t nothin’ left to hold

The reigns are broken too

I can’t steer this

There’s nothing I can do

Except to throw my arms out

Take me to

A place where love can mend these wounds

Where mystery can dance with truth

And the broken soul finds refuge...

Lyrics from "Refuge," by Matthew Perryman Jones.

This year was a real eye-opener for me: a season of realization. Realization of my own fallenness. I failed God in just about every way a human can fail him. I also hurt a lot of the people around me, needlessly (not that people ever "need" to be hurt, but they really didn't deserve it at all). When I did manage to be polite and kind towards others, it was only outward; inside I was losing hope fast. The standard I held myself to kept slipping lower and lower with every new sin I added to the list. My grades slipped horribly -- for the first time in my life, I actually toyed with the idea of skipping an exam (which, thanks to God's grace, I did very well on, despite having only a single afternoon to study a 400-page textbook).

I was so relieved to escape into summer. I knew vaguely that I wanted this summer to bring me closer to God, but I didn't expect all the changes he's made in my life in these past two months. Wow -- two months! It seems like a lifetime since July, when I let the Son sweep me off my feet and ask me: "How much do you really love me, Oksana?" No, scratch that. He's always been asking me that, ever since I told him I'd be his forever. What made this summer different was that I was finally broken enough to answer him honestly.

Now it's time to be honest with you, and tell you a secret: I have not read the entire Bible. I've read the NT and most of the Psalms, and started 3 different yearly Bible-reading plans, but got so far behind on each that I never made it far past Numbers. This summer, I felt compelled to begin reading it again; for different reasons than in the past. Before then, I'd read the Bible just to have it done with, to fit in with more mature Christians and appear more knowledgeable. Obviously, that wasn't my conscious thought-process each time I began to read it, but there was a lot of pride involved. This summer, I didn't print off reading plans that I knew I'd never be able to keep. Instead, I took a few blank pages of paper, and really began to dig deep into the word. I spent an entire afternoon making notes and meditating on half a chapter of Genesis.

I started to eat the Bible.

Not literally, of course. (When I was 1-3 years old, I did eat books. Apparently, it's not that uncommon -- eating non-food items is a condition called "pica" and happens often with little kids... and I ate all the paper I could get. Back to topic...). By "eating the Bible," I mean satisfying my hunger for God. I didn't just skim, I tried my best to savour and understand every word... give each God-written phrase the attention it deserved. A month later, I'm still in the middle of Genesis, and I don't feel the need to rush it. I've learned tons, some of which I will post on this blog, some of which I'll share in my e-zine (which, by the way, needs some contributions -- see this link for details). I feel refreshed and ready to pursue a better way. It's time to put all my 'lessons learned' to use.

School starts tomorrow, and I still have some thinking/praying to do, so, 'till then, as usual...

Love, Oksy

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Track 4

Climbing onto giant shoulders

And looking out

Longing eyes scan for a sign

Where are you now?

I don’t know

So I’ll fall on faith...

Lyrics from Sinking Wishes, by Matthew Perryman Jones.

I'm one of those people who is seriously lacking in the gift of awareness/ perception/ thoughtfulness... whatever you call it. Let me illustrate: ever been in your school's locker bay, when somebody was standing in front of your locker? I'm the sort of person who won't notice that you want to get to your locker unless you actually tell me to move over. Or, when an elderly lady comes on the bus, it doesn't cross my mind to stand up, even though I wholeheartedly believe it to be the right thing to do. I would get up immediately if I were thinking about it, but, when my mind is wandering elsewhere, I usually need someone to give me a poke so I become aware of what's happening around me.

It always amazes me when I see somebody doing something simple and thoughtful for someone else, like offering to help carry a bag, or holding their locker door open so it doesn't invade the next person's space. Usually, I find myself thinking -- wow, I wish I had the presence of mind to think of doing that... I mean, I have it in me to do the same thing -- I just never notice the need. There is no doubt that this part of my character is something I really, really want to change.

That's where everything gets complicated. As you can imagine, I go around being (not unjustly) seen as rather thoughtless, uncaring, etc. Because of that, I think my motive for wanting to be kind has gotten a little skewed. Is to to be caring, or to look caring before others? I would really like to say that the former is my motivation, but, if it was, I'd be just as eager to do unnoticed acts of kindness as noticed ones. Yet, I'm not nearly as excited in learning to do chores when unasked, or quietly cleaning up litter, as I am about standing up for elderly ladies in crowded buses. The reason is obvious: more people will see my kindness when it's on the bus.

(Sad, I know. But I think that being honest with myself can help me change this. And, as hard as it is, I think that posting this publicly will help me even more... and perhaps help others like myself. So I'm striving to be fairly honest and open on this blog.)

This is where the lyrics of the song come in. My God is an amazing God in that he does things for his love's sake, not just to get glory. He is willing to give "silently," in ways that he knows we will probably overlook. As the song says -- in the bad times, we look for God's blessings, seek a sign, try to find him; never realizing that we are already standing on his shoulders. "... It was then that I carried you..." as the famous poem says.

Sometimes, when I pray, I thank God for everything that didn't happen today. It reminds me not to take the 'little' things for granted, and it gives me an example of how to love others. Sure, there's a time and place to be kind in public, but I'm starting to realise that, perhaps, my lack of thoughtfulness comes from the fact that I want it for the wrong reasons. I need to let God change and refine my heart; trusting what he says, even if some of his commands are less glamorous than others.

And, maybe, just maybe, you'll see me get out of your way when you need to get to your locker. :)

One cool fact: I hadn't really thought about this before I had read this song. How I love songs that make me think!!

Track 5 coming later!

Love, Oksana

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Track 3

Put your defense down
open up your heart and lay
all of it out
I know how hard it sounds
but loneliness will have its way
in feeding your doubts

waiting on the light
waiting on the light to change
I’m chasing out the lies
chasing out the lies
that keep you caged
I’m waiting, waiting on the light to change

No matter what’s inside
There is nothing you can say
to cause me to hide
You know I’m broken too
I’ve fallen far, I lost my faith
been found and made new...

Lyrics from Matthew Perryman's song "Waiting On the Light to Change."

"...loneliness will have its way in feeding your doubts..."

That is so very true. With God, you're never, ever alone, yet his word stresses the importance of fellowship with other people. God is love, and we are priveledged to be entrusted with the task of reflecting his love into the lives of others. I think the best way one can 'prove' his existance to somebody is to love them.

I wish I were more loving to the people closest to me... my family, for instance. It happens that many of them don't share most of my beliefs, and I keep forgetting how I should be treating them. Some things, like fellowship and marriage, are reserved for people who are like-minded. But love is for all. I need to remember that... and I'm so grateful for the humbling effects of Christ's example of love, which reminds me daily how I should be.

"...I'm chasing out the lies that keep you caged, and waiting on the light to change..."

I love that part of the chorus. I often fall into the trap of trying to deal with the big situation, getting overwhelmed, and giving up; when I could just stick to my part, giving everything I've got, and let God change the light. Of course, constantly "chasing out the lies" isn't glamorous or comfortable work, so this lesson is easy to forget.

Track 4 coming later...

Love, Oksana

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Track 2

This post inspired by excerpts of the lyrics from "Breaking Out the Windows," by Matthew Perryman Jones.

"You got soul under your skin
What happens when you don’t know who to let in
Will we ever understand?
We’re just breaking out the windows..."

It's interesting... Matthew Perryman speaks of having our soul hidden behind our "skin," our physical selves. But shouldn't it be the other way around? Aren't the attributes of our soul more obvious than our physical attributes? It isn't the crown that makes someone a king; it isn't the hug that makes someone a friend; it isn't the kiss that makes someone in love. When someone comes into the room, it isn't from their clothing or their posture that you can tell whether or not they are loving or courageous.

I'll admit I don't always look past people's appearance when I meet them... but there are some people who just naturally cause my attention to shift from their outward attributes to their inward attributes. Mother Teresa is one example... her message was so compelling, and she gave of it so generously, that you couldn't care less if she had wrinkles or not. You can't necessarily control how other people percieve you, but you can still influence it. If you notice that other people focus more on your appearance than your soul, that might mean that you're focusing too much on it yourself. Have you ever been talking to someone, they looked away, and you followed their line of sight to see what they were looking at? If your attention is on how you look, you will command other peoples' attention to the same area.

I'm not saying you shouldn't care about how you look... just try wearing your soul over your skin, not hiding it underneath. Dressing 'hip,' acting 'cool,' and getting Botox won't make people more receptive to your message.

Speaking of skin and soul, did you guys hear of the scandal over the Chinese Olympic opening ceremony? The little 10-year-old girl who sang 'Ode to the Motherland' was actually lip-synching to a recorded song. No, that's not too bad -- what kind of ten-year-old would have the courage to get up there and sing live, after all? The problem is, the track had actually been sung by 7-year-old Yang Peiyi (on the right), who was not allowed to perform after officials decided she wasn't pretty enough.

I'm really at a loss for words. The excuse given was that Yang had "crooked teeth" and could not do justice to the "image of the country." How can you tell a child something like that? How can you make a little girl believe that she is not good enough to share her skills and talents with the world just because she doesn't look a certain way? (And, personally, I think Yang looks positively sweet. :) She has a real innocence about her, and her genuine smile in the snapshot above brings me more joy than the manufactured smile which was somehow deemed "prettier"...). Sigh. Your thoughts?

Before I go, I just want to comment on another part of the lyrics in this song...

"How did we get so far?
Running to hide these scars?
Love’s not afraid of what it finds in the dark..."

Somebody once told me a nugget of truth, that has never failed to comfort me. I just want to share it with you. It's simple and it's a wonderful thing to remember...

God knows your past, your present, and your future, and he loves you anyway.

Track 3 coming later...

Love, Oksana

Monday, August 11, 2008

Track 1

Hey everyone...

I've had serious blogging-block for the past few days, so I've decided to try something different. I downloaded a really great album by Christian indie artist Matthew Perryman Jones at Noisetrade.com (a site where independent Christian musicians offer their music for free to fans). It's an album that has really inspired me and made me think, so I've decided to write a series of posts inspired by each of the tracks on the CD, "Throwing Punches in the Dark." We'll see how it goes. :)

Meghan's Song

Baby, sleep in peace tonight
Angels bend to watch the sight
And may your dreams be sweet tonight
Dance the sky in sweet delight

And know I love you
I always will
It’s my favorite story
I have to tell

And Baby, let’s go far away
See this world that God has made
And know our hearts are in his hand
This lovely one who counts the sands...

Wow... now that I've actually posted the song, I'm not sure what to write. I guess I'll just share a few of the things that it makes me think about and feel:

"...may your dreams be sweet tonight..."
I remember for most of my life, all I had were nightmares. I don't know why. I never looked forward to sleep because I'd dream about all of the horrible stuff I'd seen on the news or heard about in school... I guess I was just a really sensitive kid. What I tried to forget about by day -- the wars, the violence, the slavery, the terrorism that was happening all over the world -- haunted me by night. It wasn't until I began to pray a little about the things in the world that bothered me, that the nightmares fell away almost instantly. I think that's what nightmares are, sometimes: reminders of the things that God wants us to deal with, so that we can sleep on this earth with a cleaner conscience.

"...dance the sky in sweet delight..."
I remember this one dream I had when I was about 3 or 4... for the longest time, I couldn't understand whether it was a dream or a real memory, but my parents tell me it couldn't have been real, since there was no such spot in Ukraine, where we lived at the time. I dreamt that my mom and I were walking through a marketplace, with elderly ladies selling their wares on either side of us. We kept on walking, and suddenly, the road ended in a rocky cliff. Beyond it was a brilliant crimson sunset. There was nothing below; only glowing sky... we were at the edge of the earth.

"...let's go far away / see this world that God has made..."

I've never travelled. I've never actually gone on vacation or journeyed long distances for reasons other than moving. I'd love to, but I know I'll probably never have a chance to visit all the places where I want to go... all the oceans, all the plains, all the mountains, all the sunsets that I want to see. Yet, I don't feel as if I'm missing much more than what seasoned tourists experience. I might not be able to see a sunset over the mountains, but God still gives me ways to experience it...

The photos above, which I took on different days, give me a glimpse of what the smouldering sun must look like over the icy heights of the Alps. Even if I never go there, I've still seen the same kind of beauty, and didn't have to look much farther than my own windowpane. Just like, sometimes, a caring hug or a warm word can give you a glimpse into what heaven is like. As Emily Dickinson would say, "I never saw a moor, I never saw the sea; yet I know how the heather looks, and what a wave must be."

Track 2 of my CD-inspired posts coming soon...

Love, Oksana

scraps of life... photos, poems, and images of this world through my eyes.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Track 6

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Track 4

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Track 3

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Track 2

Monday, August 11, 2008

Track 1

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