I'm probably not going to do a track-inspired post for Track 5 of the Matthew Perryman Jones CD... The song is called "All the King's Horses," and the only memory/thought it brings up is a situation involving two other people that I'm not going to post about on the world-wide-web... so here's track 6 (my favourite song from the album!)...
Lord, I feel the weight of a mountain
Pressing down inside my soul
I can see the pillars fallin’
There ain’t nothin’ left to hold
The reigns are broken too
I can’t steer this
There’s nothing I can do
Except to throw my arms out
Take me to
A place where love can mend these wounds
Where mystery can dance with truth
And the broken soul finds refuge...
Lyrics from "Refuge," by Matthew Perryman Jones.
This year was a real eye-opener for me: a season of realization. Realization of my own fallenness. I failed God in just about every way a human can fail him. I also hurt a lot of the people around me, needlessly (not that people ever "need" to be hurt, but they really didn't deserve it at all). When I did manage to be polite and kind towards others, it was only outward; inside I was losing hope fast. The standard I held myself to kept slipping lower and lower with every new sin I added to the list. My grades slipped horribly -- for the first time in my life, I actually toyed with the idea of skipping an exam (which, thanks to God's grace, I did very well on, despite having only a single afternoon to study a 400-page textbook).
I was so relieved to escape into summer. I knew vaguely that I wanted this summer to bring me closer to God, but I didn't expect all the changes he's made in my life in these past two months. Wow -- two months! It seems like a lifetime since July, when I let the Son sweep me off my feet and ask me: "How much do you really love me, Oksana?" No, scratch that. He's always been asking me that, ever since I told him I'd be his forever. What made this summer different was that I was finally broken enough to answer him honestly.
Now it's time to be honest with you, and tell you a secret: I have not read the entire Bible. I've read the NT and most of the Psalms, and started 3 different yearly Bible-reading plans, but got so far behind on each that I never made it far past Numbers. This summer, I felt compelled to begin reading it again; for different reasons than in the past. Before then, I'd read the Bible just to have it done with, to fit in with more mature Christians and appear more knowledgeable. Obviously, that wasn't my conscious thought-process each time I began to read it, but there was a lot of pride involved. This summer, I didn't print off reading plans that I knew I'd never be able to keep. Instead, I took a few blank pages of paper, and really began to dig deep into the word. I spent an entire afternoon making notes and meditating on half a chapter of Genesis.
.
I started to eat the Bible.
Not literally, of course. (When I was 1-3 years old, I did eat books. Apparently, it's not that uncommon -- eating non-food items is a condition called "pica" and happens often with little kids... and I ate all the paper I could get. Back to topic...). By "eating the Bible," I mean satisfying my hunger for God. I didn't just skim, I tried my best to savour and understand every word... give each God-written phrase the attention it deserved. A month later, I'm still in the middle of Genesis, and I don't feel the need to rush it. I've learned tons, some of which I will post on this blog, some of which I'll share in my e-zine (which, by the way, needs some contributions -- see this link for details). I feel refreshed and ready to pursue a better way. It's time to put all my 'lessons learned' to use.
.
School starts tomorrow, and I still have some thinking/praying to do, so, 'till then, as usual...
.
Love, Oksy
3 comments:
this summer has been a time much like you described for me as well, so i know exactly where you are coming from!
i have not read the whole Bible through either... i have a tendency more to sit down at night in the quiet and ask God what He wants me to read, and without failure, He always allows me to open up to a passage that applies to something in my life. there are times where it's not as clear as others, and sometimes i have to think to see the meaning behind the story, but He has never failed me when i read His word this way... and i know He never will.
i'll be praying for you oksy, that God will continue to mold you into a beautiful vessel that will hold all things that pertain to Him.
*polar bear hugs*
That's a really good method. I'm also the sort of person who likes to study God's word by night... but I also procrastinate a lot, and end up having no time to really dig deeper before I go to bed. But I do agree with your method of reading... I do that too sometimes, and at times I get goosebumps from how well the messages I recieve fit my life.
It's interesting how we've gone through the same thing this summer. Thanks for the encouragement! :)
O_O i get the goosebumps too!
your very welcome ;)
Post a Comment